And as she lets go her last words bled to him are
"I was so dead in my broken heart you would have never known "

then as she closes her eyes she whispers a cry to him
"I love you' my bled out misery" .. x|3
________________________________________________________
SI
(by: C.J.)

Fishing through the contents of her purse, passing over the tubes of lipstick, random credit cards, library and video rental cards, her fingers touched metal. She ran her fingertips across the cold steel, the dull end of the blade. She hadn’t needed its use in a few months, but its presence was comforting. She traced the edges with fond familiarity. It signified the release so desperately needed for a long, long while of all caged within her. The rage, the pain, the sadness, the confusion, and the misplaced happiness mingled with apprehension. Her flesh tingled. She could still feel the tug, the catch of the razor’s edge pushed deep till the skin broke. She could envision the crimson tide emancipated, traveling unhindered down her pale skin. She exhaled, recalling the inner release of the red path. She instinctively fingered the indentions that marked years of history along her body. If asked to recall, she could point out the one that was her first and what she used. She could point out the one that got her evicted from the group home. She could show you the one that put a permanent wall between her and her family. She can point out where the method shifted, and where it shifted back. Her demeanor could be timid and ashamed as she speaks, as her carriage could as well be animated and brazen. Such it is. Such is the disease. Such is the love affair.
________________________________________________________
Help for the Crimson Tears
(By: Lisa)

She's sitting in the dark.
You see her,
try to help her.
But she pushes you away

She's on the edge, calling on to death.
You want to help her, need to help her,
But she only pushes you farther.
Then something happens,

She shuts the door, locks all the windows.
Where did she go?
She's so far away now, you can hardly see her.
Slowly she slips from your grip.
Yet you hold on, pulling her closer.

She struggles, tries to get away.
But you tighten your grip, pull her harder.
She shrieks with pain, and struggles harder.
You wont let go, you pull her in closer

Wrap your arms around her, caress her.
She stops her struggle.
As her body becomes limp and lifeless,
In your arms, she begins to cry.

Deep crimson tears.
They trickle down her cheek and onto you.
You loosen your grip.
She tightens hers.

She holds you there and whispers in your ear...
"Thank you."
________________________________________________________
Lines of Beauty
(By: Tori Raup)
(I wrote this more in honor of the scars of my beloved than my own. I really like this one. It's not too personal.)

Smooth pale skin
Marred thick
With Divinity

Self created
Parallel,
Creations only
Half the fun

The beauty is
Irreverent
Worshiping

My own work of art
________________________________________________________
Mommy
(By: Tori Raup)

Mommy did my hair this morning, Mommy made me pretty
Looking in the mirror this morning didn’t feel like pity
That’s funny, it hasn’t happened in so long
‘Cause looking at my own reflection seems so wrong
Mommy thinks I’m happy, she must be a fool
But so do all the teachers that see my face at school
Don’t they realize those boys and girls are cruel?
I’m sick of the nasty words they tell that girl
Or watching the tears down her face swirl
I guess mommy doesn’t realize all this little girl has seen
And no one seems to notice she’s lost her will to dream
And Mommy, mommy, I can’t find my smile
Oh Mommy, mommy, It’s been lost for quite a while
But no matter were I look, I find emptiness inside
Even after all the times I’ve tried
And still no ones there to confide
And Mommy, Mommy, won’t you hold my hand
Oh Mommy, Mommy, I need help to stand
So maybe I don’t wanna grow up, just like everyone else
‘Cause, Mommy, what’s wrong with just being myself?
I’m not stupid! Everybody’s gotta learn!
But why are you so mean, what made you so stern?
Why isn’t everything like it used to be before?
And when I give my best, you’ve got to ask for more!?
You said, Mommy, you’d always be there
So this, Mommy, I don’t think it’s fair
Oh Mommy, Mommy, I don’t need your kisses
And Mommy, Mommy, I don’t want those Band-Aids
‘Cause Mommy, Mommy, I’ve found relief in knife blades.
________________________________________________________
My Fading Scars
(By: Tori Raup)

The scars will never fade away
They'll be gone but will never go astray
They'll only fade a little

And twenty-five years later
I'm sure you wont find many

I never cut that deep -
Just often
The blood was plenty

Sometimes I slit open new ones
Always knew I was an artist

How 'bout
Exterior designing

The scars change colours
Red
Maroon
Purple
Pink
White

They blend, but never fade
The memories blur but I differ
These scars will never fade away
________________________________________________________
(The following are by: Amber)

NOBODY:
I'm nobody..who are you . As I see your emotionless face i realize im nobody too. you don't even look straight into my eyes you look away as if your scared of me, but how can you be when im so terrified of you.I can't stare you down. your beating me down in your glare im fighting the urge not to reach up and break your neck and scream don't look at me. but i back down and stand my ground. I won't give in to you its getting hard for me to think of you. I tried to everything you wanted me to be but i can't i am nobody but a face . I try to be you, just tell me who I am give me something to think of except you.

NOTHING:
Felling like nothing I start to fade away. drwning in my own thoughts i'm trying not to scream I am nothing as i fade away. You find ways i can't even dream of to bring me down. nothing can stop me from hating you the way i already do .I amnothing as i fade away. Dreaming of you am i still in love with you?No!I loathe you. my thoughts keep me from what i am and have yet to become.

FALLING:
I'm falling away from you im calling for you. i fell so far but yet im still falling. away from the world i knew i can't survive. I worry for you can you be without me? i try to find the answers to myself but can't . I fight with myself to be the way you need me and want me to be.I try to fly but I fall so far. I m falling as i think of you, I'm screaming as i try to save myself from the thoughts of you.I can't distinguish reality from my dreams.I can't feel the pain anymore,im numb. I can't screma what i feel, i cry tears of blood.I don't know what my future holds, i don't know if i even have a future, if i even want to live.I want to bleed to see if im alive. I can't even tell when i look in the mirror if this is my face or someone else's. I dream of happier days without you.I dream of old days when i could be alone without you.I'm falling as i think of you I'm screaming as I try to save myself from theses thoughts of you. I tried to be the person you wanted me to be, but how is that being myself?I can't be who you want me to be so why should I have to? Why do I have to change to be with you?(So i will tell you now and i will tell you true, im not gonna be with you! You treat me like a whore and i'm not gonna stand for it anymore. I hate you and you know it too. I can't stop myself when i know your gonna go down by my own hand. I can't stand to look at your face anymore. I'm falling as i think of you, I'm screaming as i try to save myself from the thoughts of you. As i cry these tears i sing to you my fears of myself the thoughts of you i have pushed away all come running back to me now forever it seems i will be forever in this state of unhappiness.

PAIN:
I am in pain as i lay thinking about about you and all you have not done for me. Out side i try to be happy i try to be what you want me to be.but inside i'm trapped i am filled with anger with pain that wont go away with scars that wont fade and wounds that wont heal. I am dreaming about how life used to be with you back when i was happy. now ia m depressed with these thoughts of you. I know i shpuld hide them to keep my sanity but i cant let it bulid up i have to let it out I cant keep this pain in my heart I know as much as it pains me i cant keep thinking about you I have to let you go i cant keep fighting myself to not take the pain out on myself I have to let you go to rid the pain.I have to help myself I have to let you go I have to tell you goodbye, to have to rid the pain i must.Cry, Very Sad.

HURTING: 
I am hurting as your selfish words cut into me. hurting as you remind me of what once was. I try not to let you see my emotions, even though i have no tears to cry., Noreasons to I'm emotionlewss as i lay here hurting by your selfish words. hurting i remain in my own world trying to block you out wishing you would go away and leave me here to bleed, to remain hurting forever more.

BLEED:
Why cant i bleed as the blade slices through my numb skin, But i soon realize i am blinded by this crimson. I soon feel the numbnees awaken as the blood flows out of my veins. And i still am unafraid of the death that is waiting for me. The darkness starts to give way. And i cry for you but you have disappeard from my eyes sight. Why cant i bleed anymore i wanna see the blood i dont feel alive, please hep me. I know your there but you don't speak, i soon fall into darkness never to this beautiful color of evil again this rude ness of self-loathing, i cry for you to save but you fail and i am forever lost goodbye cruel world..

CRYING:
I am cornered in this room recovering from your anguished words you have spoken to me, i try to stop myself from letting my emotions flow out and drown me. I am silently crying, as i am cornered by you,Crying for my savior, to come and save me and take me to the salvation that i need, save me from myself that i am terrified of. And to keep me from this numbness that i feel.

ALONE:
I am alone swallowed by my fear of myself, i am afraid my thoughts scare me as i try to be myself something you weren't alone i break myself my thoughts are dreams and nothing more, they brinf no feling to this numbness i feel and crimson i see before me.Alone i am forever.

RUN:
I have to run to away from these thoughts of you. Run to a place where you can't find me. runaway i say, somewhere ill be happy. Run to save my sanity. How can i you say?Your thoughts are running through my head making me slowly go insane you try to hurt me, MAKE ME CRY! MAKE ME CRY!! You can't thats what i thought!I am too strong, yes strong enough to run. I am afraid of oyu even though you died you still are in my mind your chasing me. And i don't like it. Even though i try to make myself belive your no longer here but a memory my mind won't believe. I try to run away from you but i can't what am i to you?Yes, nothing, but a nusiance, am i still? I ponder you with questions for you to answer, I run I run forever away trying to stop this immortal fear. You have endured me with but as i think I don't think i can leave your thoughts behind, NO! I must take them and run!

BLEEDING:
I cried so much. I tried to hide the rivers of blood i bled. I'm laying on the floor after you cut into me with your heartless words. I lay bleeding, screaming in pain can you not hear me or do you choose not to?
you make me wanna cut myself and watch the as the blood hits the ground. I tried to resist the urge to bleed, I tried to make myself happy again . I can't be what you want so you try to tear me down. Help me feel real again. I cant help bleeding as you keep making me feel transparent everytime something goes wrong in your life you take it out on me.

FALL:
I find that everything changes as i fall. I cry as i am i try to be everything i truly am. you want me to be all you weren't but how can i ia m so much more. why don't you see that?you keep me away in dreaming. I am alone, i am going insane(slowly). I am forever in your eyes still a child still without hope. I am lost I am aloneI am everything i am don't try to change me.Dont try to change what i am and have yet to become. I fell as though i am immortal dreaming so deep im losing my consiousness.. You see me differently than i am a child so lost in my thoughts ill never wake up you keep me in this state of mind. I never want to wake up in this cruel world of mine.No, never will i try to walk in yur shawdow.I want o be myself without no constant worries you have tried to set for me. I try every night to keep my thoughts inside and keep from crying but i loose myself and fall into what i am afraid. I am unafraid. I am myself now, that i am away from you in myself i am bottled. Alone. unafraid.

Be ME:
Today I try to be what I am , what I could not be before , you see everything I write as disgusting words nothing more ,where I see them as my art you think violating my privacy is helping me (IT’S Not) I want to be me not you I want to write my innermost feelings and not be at risk of something more vile .I hate you for what you have done to me, you keep me in this self-loathing state of mind.you keep me asking why me god. Why must this crimson run down my arms for you to see the pain in my eyes. You bring me down to your disgusting level. You think you better than me, but your not. I can’t have this continue.